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The Narcissist’s Memory: How They Rewrite the Past and What It Means for You
Unmasking the tactics of gaslighting and manipulation through a distorted lens of memory
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, reality can feel like quicksand — shifting beneath your feet no matter how firmly you try to stand your ground. At the heart of this instability lies one of the narcissist’s most insidious tools: rewriting the past. Whether it’s changing the details of a fight, misrepresenting their accomplishments, or outright denying hurtful actions or statements, narcissists wield memory as a weapon.
This manipulation isn’t just frustrating; it’s disorienting and deeply harmful. Understanding why narcissists rewrite history and how to protect yourself from their distortions can be crucial to preserving your sense of reality.
Narcissists don’t just lie; they craft an alternative narrative, a version of events that casts them in the best light possible and if you’re their victim you in the worst possible light. This tactic often ties into gaslighting, a psychological manipulation technique where someone causes you to doubt your memory, perception, or sanity.
When a narcissist rewrites the past, they aren’t simply forgetting details or recalling events differently — they’re reshaping history to serve their ego, absolve themselves of blame, place blame on you, get what they want without having to hold up their end of the bargain, or maintain control. The result? You’re left questioning your version of events, and they maintain their grip on the narrative.
Take, for example, the story of Mia, a woman who spent years in a relationship with a narcissistic partner. During an argument, Mia confronted her partner about a particularly cruel remark he had made months earlier. Without hesitation, he denied ever saying it, then turned the tables by accusing her of “making the whole thing up.” The more she insisted, the more confident he became, even fabricating other events to support his denial.
He added other examples, when she had confronted him about something he had actually said, which he’d denied, claiming that those were other examples of her either “lying” or “having problems”, both of which meant, he…
